This is a lot of what this is about.
Mentally breaking through the barriers that my mind consistently put into place out of habit. It's so freeing. I feel weightless. Haha.... the irony.
I've been hungry, par for the course i suppose. But not spiritually hungry. not mentally hungry. just physically. and that is a mostly foreign feeling. but it feels good. it feels light and airy and free and releasing, and like i can fly.
And i'm not hating my body as much. That poor self talk has also lessened. But i'm able to see it now as though I'm someone else. I'm watching myself make the changes that I've suggested others make. But this is on a deeper level than i ever realized. The mental/phys/emo/spiritual plane, yes. But on the cellular level, my body is growing a new awareness. It hasn't known how to be thin. How to operate itself while taking up less space. How not to metabolize for storage of extra.
I'm getting out of my own way, physically. I'm being in this body that is too big, that is cumbersome. It feels like i'm wearing a fat suit. My arms are too big. They get in my way. They dont cross over my chest easily. I'm constantly lifting them away from the side of my body because everything rubs too much. Not like an anorexic in the mirror-i hate my body kind of way. But in a legitimate, i'm taking up too much space and i'm getting in my own way kind of way. Literally, in my own way.
Back to the cellular level thing. I wonder what's been looked at about this. I'm retraining my cells. And gratefully, i'm aware of it. I'm aware that this is going to be foreign, so when i experience the hunger, the shrinking, the adjusting metabolism, i am welcoming it. I am saying yes, this is how this body is meant to work. This, is how you are meant to be. Lighter, freer, smaller...
Where science and the spirituality of mental/emo wellness meet, is where this transformation can take place. Not because I "must" transform, but because i've been yearning for it for a long long time. And now i finally see the way out of the trees. It's been a long cold dark time in the forest, but there's light ahead, and it's already starting to shine on me as i journey forward.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Back from CA, feel like a different person
Quite literally.
This body even feels different. Maybe bc i lost a few pounds there. Heck, i lost a whole lot more than a few there. The obsessive thinking is mostly gone. When it shows back up, i acknowledge it, look at the emotion/concern/issue that i'm facing and then actually face it.
That audio book has changed me. Thoroughly. I communicate differently now just bc of that. I'm speaking up more, being more honest, more transparent, being more honest with MYSELF. i don't feel like a failure anymore. Because i've stopped failing me, finally. Finally. Finally i've gotten hold of this. Inhale, hold and release hugely here.
I did my Reiki Master course this weekend while i was in Cali. It was profound, and deep, and it touched in to all the places i've been going lately. And the few i'd still been neglecting. Having a daily meditation practice eludes me still. I do it periodically throughout the day, but i dont set aside time each day specifically for that. From Saturday on, i've been doing it. I've done it before, and it feels so good and results in better boundaries, more truth, and less wishful thinking. So let me rephrase that, to draw in the value of the NLP aspect of all this work and looking at the self talk. I had done it periodically in the past, especially when i was pregnant. And though its benefits mostly stayed with me, the space in my mind where the repetitive thoughts lived easily came back to life. So now i make a point to have daily practice. Yes, my teacher said to do this. But i am my own greatest teacher, greatest reflector of my actions. And i tell me to do it, so i am.
I realized there why I had felt so strongly about moving back to CT. The conviction of that decision has fallen away. It was for my daughter to grow up around her family. But that desire is no longer strong. I don't love the Northeast. I love the vortex that is northern california. It speaks to my soul.
I want to be around the people of California. I want Rhi to experience friendship and day to day life in that environment. The northeast is rough. It's tough. The folks here are often angry or quick to attack.
I keep wondering if it's just me though....
Like the old new age adage that it's easy to be enlightened in a cave. Come down to the village and see if you can still hold onto that peace of mind. So i wonder if CT still has more to teach me. I reckon it does. Because i have more to learn. But then again.... there is always more to learn. If i step out of the thinking mind, can i be at peace? At peace anywhere?
This body even feels different. Maybe bc i lost a few pounds there. Heck, i lost a whole lot more than a few there. The obsessive thinking is mostly gone. When it shows back up, i acknowledge it, look at the emotion/concern/issue that i'm facing and then actually face it.
That audio book has changed me. Thoroughly. I communicate differently now just bc of that. I'm speaking up more, being more honest, more transparent, being more honest with MYSELF. i don't feel like a failure anymore. Because i've stopped failing me, finally. Finally. Finally i've gotten hold of this. Inhale, hold and release hugely here.
I did my Reiki Master course this weekend while i was in Cali. It was profound, and deep, and it touched in to all the places i've been going lately. And the few i'd still been neglecting. Having a daily meditation practice eludes me still. I do it periodically throughout the day, but i dont set aside time each day specifically for that. From Saturday on, i've been doing it. I've done it before, and it feels so good and results in better boundaries, more truth, and less wishful thinking. So let me rephrase that, to draw in the value of the NLP aspect of all this work and looking at the self talk. I had done it periodically in the past, especially when i was pregnant. And though its benefits mostly stayed with me, the space in my mind where the repetitive thoughts lived easily came back to life. So now i make a point to have daily practice. Yes, my teacher said to do this. But i am my own greatest teacher, greatest reflector of my actions. And i tell me to do it, so i am.
I realized there why I had felt so strongly about moving back to CT. The conviction of that decision has fallen away. It was for my daughter to grow up around her family. But that desire is no longer strong. I don't love the Northeast. I love the vortex that is northern california. It speaks to my soul.
I want to be around the people of California. I want Rhi to experience friendship and day to day life in that environment. The northeast is rough. It's tough. The folks here are often angry or quick to attack.
I keep wondering if it's just me though....
Like the old new age adage that it's easy to be enlightened in a cave. Come down to the village and see if you can still hold onto that peace of mind. So i wonder if CT still has more to teach me. I reckon it does. Because i have more to learn. But then again.... there is always more to learn. If i step out of the thinking mind, can i be at peace? At peace anywhere?
Listening to the audio book Codependent No More
This audio has brought about the awareness for a new shift.
The struggle doesnt seem as great these days. It hasn't been that long, but the pull and the reliance and the dependence is lessening. Like with any new work out or routine, it gets stronger the more you flex it and use it.
Detachment... and being reactionary
Conversation w Martha
Letting go... of stories...of beliefs... of useless old patterns of thought
Realizing more and more the things i keep inside, that i dont share. My wife and i talked a lot last night about trust and fidelity and my doubts in that arena. I realized i was carrying those things forward. That they are from old hurts and i'm keeping them alive by permitting these thought patterns. Same for the overeating.
The obsessive thoughts of food, when to eat it, how, where, how soon, etc. have fallen away. Leaves a lot of free space in my mind. And my heart.
Martha asked me what the underlying "payoff" is to have the extra weight. I said protection and she responded that she thought it was something more...
It's part of how i identify... i realize that.
Was it really just something to keep me busy? To give a link to my propensity to worry? To blame others?
The struggle doesnt seem as great these days. It hasn't been that long, but the pull and the reliance and the dependence is lessening. Like with any new work out or routine, it gets stronger the more you flex it and use it.
Detachment... and being reactionary
Conversation w Martha
Letting go... of stories...of beliefs... of useless old patterns of thought
Realizing more and more the things i keep inside, that i dont share. My wife and i talked a lot last night about trust and fidelity and my doubts in that arena. I realized i was carrying those things forward. That they are from old hurts and i'm keeping them alive by permitting these thought patterns. Same for the overeating.
The obsessive thoughts of food, when to eat it, how, where, how soon, etc. have fallen away. Leaves a lot of free space in my mind. And my heart.
Martha asked me what the underlying "payoff" is to have the extra weight. I said protection and she responded that she thought it was something more...
It's part of how i identify... i realize that.
Was it really just something to keep me busy? To give a link to my propensity to worry? To blame others?
Thursday, August 4, 2016
This is hard. It's hard and i hate it and i'm just going to keep looking it in the face, staying present and saying "Yes, this is hard and i hate it". The "yes" is to receive it, and allow it to be what it is. Something i hate. Something that hurts. Something that makes me ache, and therefore makes me want to eat to ease the pain. Today is easier than yesterday. The day before yesterday was a really great breakthrough. And it doesnt surprise me one bit that it was because my child wanted to play with me. To play "sad". Well, the floodgates opened and here i am, trying to figure my way through this flood of sadness, anger, frustration, and hunger. The hunger is the part that is the least foreign.
Maybe it's from all those times as a kid i was asked "are you hungry?" "do you want more?" and hearing the way my mom would refer to food, as an addiction, as something that she was powerless to control. And now i'm stuck with the same dilemmas. Thankfully, i've been mostly awake to it in recent years, so i've made the shifts about the food choices, and if i'm in a really good place with my awareness, also about portion sizes and eating what is most beneficial with the most bioavailability of vitamins, nutrients and appropriate fats and proteins.
But the hard part comes from actually eating less. Then being faced with the discomfort of the hunger. This seems like an area where in the past i would fill these spaces with exercise. Which is beneficial in many regards, yes. But if it kept me from truly facing it, then it was just another space filler. Exercise has it's place in this struggle, absolutely. But to become engrossed in an exercise routine for weight loss is missing the point. Exercise isn't necessarily to lose weight, if the other work to change the mindset isnt also present in the equation. Yes, exercise will make it easier. Yes, exercise improves metabolism and burns fat and turns the system back on in places it has become "sleepy". Hormone production, fat metabolism, strength and muscle building for more efficient energy usage.
I've been talking to myself more about caring for my "vessel". For this body. This is something that is spoken about in many of the great religions, in many cultural practices that value the body as our vehicle in this lifetime. To disregard it's care as imperative is to desecrate the vessel of our soul. Our soul cannot truly come through as spirit if we are continually disregarding the call of our vessel to maintain it healthfully and nourish it with appropriate energies. Energies of food, of activity, of emotional wellbeing, and very very importantly, minding our mind as the gatekeeper of the ego that is forever yearning to grab the reigns and take the lead.
Maybe i dont like helping others as much as i think i do. Maybe it's all a big farce. Maybe it's been my scapegoat all along. I've been aware of the importance of welcoming in "selfishness" for a while. With that change of mindset came the realization that it wasn't selfishness, but self care. So the next step in this self care journey is facing my demons. Embracing my demons. This demon is huuuuuuge!
Maybe it's from all those times as a kid i was asked "are you hungry?" "do you want more?" and hearing the way my mom would refer to food, as an addiction, as something that she was powerless to control. And now i'm stuck with the same dilemmas. Thankfully, i've been mostly awake to it in recent years, so i've made the shifts about the food choices, and if i'm in a really good place with my awareness, also about portion sizes and eating what is most beneficial with the most bioavailability of vitamins, nutrients and appropriate fats and proteins.
But the hard part comes from actually eating less. Then being faced with the discomfort of the hunger. This seems like an area where in the past i would fill these spaces with exercise. Which is beneficial in many regards, yes. But if it kept me from truly facing it, then it was just another space filler. Exercise has it's place in this struggle, absolutely. But to become engrossed in an exercise routine for weight loss is missing the point. Exercise isn't necessarily to lose weight, if the other work to change the mindset isnt also present in the equation. Yes, exercise will make it easier. Yes, exercise improves metabolism and burns fat and turns the system back on in places it has become "sleepy". Hormone production, fat metabolism, strength and muscle building for more efficient energy usage.
I've been talking to myself more about caring for my "vessel". For this body. This is something that is spoken about in many of the great religions, in many cultural practices that value the body as our vehicle in this lifetime. To disregard it's care as imperative is to desecrate the vessel of our soul. Our soul cannot truly come through as spirit if we are continually disregarding the call of our vessel to maintain it healthfully and nourish it with appropriate energies. Energies of food, of activity, of emotional wellbeing, and very very importantly, minding our mind as the gatekeeper of the ego that is forever yearning to grab the reigns and take the lead.
Maybe i dont like helping others as much as i think i do. Maybe it's all a big farce. Maybe it's been my scapegoat all along. I've been aware of the importance of welcoming in "selfishness" for a while. With that change of mindset came the realization that it wasn't selfishness, but self care. So the next step in this self care journey is facing my demons. Embracing my demons. This demon is huuuuuuge!
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
No really, today is. The first real day of the rest of my life. Whatever that means...
So i'm going to do this blogging thing. I would love if it would help others, But that's just exactly theproblem. I've been focusing on helping others, and neglecting myself. oh, and i'm not always going to edit this for grammar and punctuation. It's stream of consciousness for my own benefit, like journaling. If you happen to come across this, welcome to this space. Welcome to me.
I've done lots of self help things over the years. It all started after a bad breakup with a literally violent end. That was the beginning of my awakening to the fact that i had been veryyyy asleep for a while. Thankfully, i was only 22 then, and now, 13 years later, i've made great strides in creating a life that feels genuine, filled with love and success. However, the one place i haven't really made a shift with lasting effects is in weight loss. And as i'm allowing myself to delve into this most difficult of addictions, bc there is no away to avoid the substance of abuse (we have to eat!) i am realizing more and more that this grip it has on me runs deep. I've been acknowledging my own unwillingness up until now. I've had help in the past and some success at getting to a healthier weight, though never at an ideal weight, nor at an ideal mindset. One with long term staying power to be a new way of life. It often appears, i make some changes, start an exercising routine and enjoy it, fit better into some clothes, and then some shit hits some fan somewhere and it falls apart and this body becomes heavy again. And that word heavy. It's so significant in this struggle. Heavy literally. Heavy hearted. Heavily armored against the world, that is like an ever flowing river of empathy out of me, so i have the constant need to fill it back up. Heavy handed, when serving myself food, especially food that tastes good and is comforting. Heavy hitting, because moderation is only beginning to take hold in my life. In my personal life, in my work, in my personal work on myself, it's always "go big or go home". And i go big for a while, then i end up going home, big again. And a heavy burden to bear. The burden of realizing the greed that is obesity and all that that means, and the heavy burden of carrying around this constant nagging part of my brain that just wants food at every turn. every god damn turn! a Celebration...let's eat! Boredom...look in the fridge. watching tv...eat. Reading...have a snack. Doing something creative with my daughter,...let;s cook or bake! Feeling stressed or sad...definitely eat! Writing this blog after a long and difficulty reality check of a cry with myself (and my all too knowing two year old who has such a way with words at times, i swear she's psychic. "Mommy, sad please". Asking me to play sad. Well, today the flood gates opened on this well of sadness that is lying within me, under the frustration, under the fat, under the years of not meeting alllllll the expectations in me and around me about weight loss and what it means to be healthy.)
So here i am. Writing this blog that has been haunting me for years. For a few weeks since realizing that finally tackling this weight thing is going to be a long and lonely though hopefully fruitful road. Haunting me since i was 8 and starting being heavier than the others girls, and definitely since i overheard the other dads from my soccer team goofing about my weight to my dad, and he just awkwardly laughed. Then proceeded to spend the rest of my childhood trying to make me other than i was. Who knows if being fat is really what's in store for me. Some things about it i love. I love my softness and suppleness. i love my warmth and my inviting volumptuousness, now that i understand it better than i did when i was 18. And i love food. everything about it. cooking and experimenting with it, creating with it, thinking about it and looking forward to it, talking about it, and then most obviously, eating it.
I dont know what's next. Maybe just writing about it as i go. one day, one minute, one damn bite at a time. Looking at the thoughts, the obsession,, the reliance. Being honest with myself, making the choices that will result in more healthfulness, rather than the choice that is most satisfying in the moment.
And not asking for help. From anyone but myself. Which is the fucking bitch of it all. It has nothing to do with others. For years it did. What they said, what they thought, if i was attractive, if i was good enough. Well now, no one says much anymore. This is all on me. I'm 35 and i'm stuck in this body that is too big for its own good. Taking up too much space. Allowing too much chatter in my own mind. Acting as if i am not capable of the willpower. iv'e always hated being told no. so when it comes to food, i dont. i dont tell myself no, i dont miss any opportunity to indulge. To savor the savory delight in front of me. So i've started observing myself, from above, from the side, like a spectator. What is she doing? Why is she making this choice again? She knows soooo much about nutrition (part of the obsession/addiction/illness/overcompensation...etc) and yet she still chooses to do this? What kind of health coach is she if she can't get her own health under control? Who is she kidding? And last... why is she so hard on herself about some things, most things.... and so lax about this? The one area that brings her the most sadness. Or rather, the one area that covers all of her sadness.... Now the sadness will have to be let out. Now she will have to address the anger, the neglect, the hurt, the shame, the little girl inside who aches to be loved as she is. For who she is. Unapologetically flawed and all the perfection that comes with imperfection. As is.
flowoflifewellness.com
I've done lots of self help things over the years. It all started after a bad breakup with a literally violent end. That was the beginning of my awakening to the fact that i had been veryyyy asleep for a while. Thankfully, i was only 22 then, and now, 13 years later, i've made great strides in creating a life that feels genuine, filled with love and success. However, the one place i haven't really made a shift with lasting effects is in weight loss. And as i'm allowing myself to delve into this most difficult of addictions, bc there is no away to avoid the substance of abuse (we have to eat!) i am realizing more and more that this grip it has on me runs deep. I've been acknowledging my own unwillingness up until now. I've had help in the past and some success at getting to a healthier weight, though never at an ideal weight, nor at an ideal mindset. One with long term staying power to be a new way of life. It often appears, i make some changes, start an exercising routine and enjoy it, fit better into some clothes, and then some shit hits some fan somewhere and it falls apart and this body becomes heavy again. And that word heavy. It's so significant in this struggle. Heavy literally. Heavy hearted. Heavily armored against the world, that is like an ever flowing river of empathy out of me, so i have the constant need to fill it back up. Heavy handed, when serving myself food, especially food that tastes good and is comforting. Heavy hitting, because moderation is only beginning to take hold in my life. In my personal life, in my work, in my personal work on myself, it's always "go big or go home". And i go big for a while, then i end up going home, big again. And a heavy burden to bear. The burden of realizing the greed that is obesity and all that that means, and the heavy burden of carrying around this constant nagging part of my brain that just wants food at every turn. every god damn turn! a Celebration...let's eat! Boredom...look in the fridge. watching tv...eat. Reading...have a snack. Doing something creative with my daughter,...let;s cook or bake! Feeling stressed or sad...definitely eat! Writing this blog after a long and difficulty reality check of a cry with myself (and my all too knowing two year old who has such a way with words at times, i swear she's psychic. "Mommy, sad please". Asking me to play sad. Well, today the flood gates opened on this well of sadness that is lying within me, under the frustration, under the fat, under the years of not meeting alllllll the expectations in me and around me about weight loss and what it means to be healthy.)
So here i am. Writing this blog that has been haunting me for years. For a few weeks since realizing that finally tackling this weight thing is going to be a long and lonely though hopefully fruitful road. Haunting me since i was 8 and starting being heavier than the others girls, and definitely since i overheard the other dads from my soccer team goofing about my weight to my dad, and he just awkwardly laughed. Then proceeded to spend the rest of my childhood trying to make me other than i was. Who knows if being fat is really what's in store for me. Some things about it i love. I love my softness and suppleness. i love my warmth and my inviting volumptuousness, now that i understand it better than i did when i was 18. And i love food. everything about it. cooking and experimenting with it, creating with it, thinking about it and looking forward to it, talking about it, and then most obviously, eating it.
I dont know what's next. Maybe just writing about it as i go. one day, one minute, one damn bite at a time. Looking at the thoughts, the obsession,, the reliance. Being honest with myself, making the choices that will result in more healthfulness, rather than the choice that is most satisfying in the moment.
And not asking for help. From anyone but myself. Which is the fucking bitch of it all. It has nothing to do with others. For years it did. What they said, what they thought, if i was attractive, if i was good enough. Well now, no one says much anymore. This is all on me. I'm 35 and i'm stuck in this body that is too big for its own good. Taking up too much space. Allowing too much chatter in my own mind. Acting as if i am not capable of the willpower. iv'e always hated being told no. so when it comes to food, i dont. i dont tell myself no, i dont miss any opportunity to indulge. To savor the savory delight in front of me. So i've started observing myself, from above, from the side, like a spectator. What is she doing? Why is she making this choice again? She knows soooo much about nutrition (part of the obsession/addiction/illness/overcompensation...etc) and yet she still chooses to do this? What kind of health coach is she if she can't get her own health under control? Who is she kidding? And last... why is she so hard on herself about some things, most things.... and so lax about this? The one area that brings her the most sadness. Or rather, the one area that covers all of her sadness.... Now the sadness will have to be let out. Now she will have to address the anger, the neglect, the hurt, the shame, the little girl inside who aches to be loved as she is. For who she is. Unapologetically flawed and all the perfection that comes with imperfection. As is.
flowoflifewellness.com
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