This is hard. It's hard and i hate it and i'm just going to keep looking it in the face, staying present and saying "Yes, this is hard and i hate it". The "yes" is to receive it, and allow it to be what it is. Something i hate. Something that hurts. Something that makes me ache, and therefore makes me want to eat to ease the pain. Today is easier than yesterday. The day before yesterday was a really great breakthrough. And it doesnt surprise me one bit that it was because my child wanted to play with me. To play "sad". Well, the floodgates opened and here i am, trying to figure my way through this flood of sadness, anger, frustration, and hunger. The hunger is the part that is the least foreign.

Maybe it's from all those times as a kid i was asked "are you hungry?" "do you want more?" and hearing the way my mom would refer to food, as an addiction, as something that she was powerless to control. And now i'm stuck with the same dilemmas. Thankfully, i've been mostly awake to it in recent years, so i've made the shifts about the food choices, and if i'm in a really good place with my awareness, also about portion sizes and eating what is most beneficial with the most bioavailability of vitamins, nutrients and appropriate fats and proteins.

But the hard part comes from actually eating less. Then being faced with the discomfort of the hunger. This seems like an area where in the past i would fill these spaces with exercise. Which is beneficial in many regards, yes. But if it kept me from truly facing it, then it was just another space filler. Exercise has it's place in this struggle, absolutely. But to become engrossed in an exercise routine for weight loss is missing the point. Exercise isn't necessarily to lose weight, if the other work to change the mindset isnt also present in the equation. Yes, exercise will make it easier. Yes, exercise improves metabolism and burns fat and turns the system back on in places it has become "sleepy". Hormone production, fat metabolism, strength and muscle building for more efficient energy usage.

I've been talking to myself more about caring for my "vessel". For this body. This is something that is spoken about in many of the great religions, in many cultural practices that value the body as our vehicle in this lifetime. To disregard it's care as imperative is to desecrate the vessel of our soul. Our soul cannot truly come through as spirit if we are continually disregarding the call of our vessel to maintain it healthfully and nourish it with appropriate energies. Energies of food, of activity, of emotional wellbeing, and very very importantly, minding our mind as the gatekeeper of the ego that is forever yearning to grab the reigns and take the lead.

Maybe i dont like helping others as much as i think i do. Maybe it's all a big farce. Maybe it's been my scapegoat all along. I've been aware of the importance of welcoming in "selfishness" for a while. With that change of mindset came the realization that it wasn't selfishness, but self care. So the next step in this self care journey is facing my demons. Embracing my demons. This demon is huuuuuuge!